Back (T)Here: Self-Integration

Taking UCHANU with us: "How can I integrate the experiences of the semester into my life, and in what concrete ways can I remain connected to UCHANU and Vietnam?"

**Long Post Coming Up**

Dentist: "You're going to Vietnam? For how long? Are you going there for vacation?"

Me: "No. I'm actually going to be studying abroad there for a semester, 5 months."

Dentist: "Really? What in Vietnam will you be studying about? The education there is not good as the US'. There's nothing there besides tourism."

Me: "I've realized that it's time to go back to my family's homeland I think this is my perfect chance to do it. The education in the classroom may not be the best, but I think when it comes to my identity, family history, and culture, it may be worthwhile."

Dentist: "Oh, that's good. Just make sure you don't get STDs. The girls there are vicious!"

Me: "Oh my. I'll be sure to watch out for that."

Dentist: "Hehe. Be very careful!"

I remember after taking off my braces this summer, and I had to stop by the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. We had a little discussion about my prospects for the fall semester so we continued to talk about Vietnam. I transcribed this dialog from memory from 5 months past. Like this discussion, other discussions about Vietnam with other people whether family, family friends, or friends often revolved these themes of "backwardness": lawlessness, dangerousness, theft, getting ripped off, cheap goods, "lack of freedom," marriages (love interests) to get to the US, deceit/trickery, and so on. Indeed a lot of negative sentiments and stereotypes associated with Vietnam. Some who commented had been to Vietnam while some others had not, yet still had opinions about it. Probably those who hadn't been "back" were influenced by the perspectives of family and/or media. Up until departure, I continued to defend Vietnam in discussions and my motives for going, even when I hadn't been there yet.

Another time, after I had shared the trailer to the first Vietnamese Hip Hop Movie coming out in December Saigon Electric on YouTube, I remember talking to my friend about Hip Hop and Vietnamese in Vietnam practicing it. He told me "It's awkward seeing Vietnamese people practice Hip Hop because they aren't as modern like South Korea or Japan." He elaborated "Their style... it's just a replication of more advanced Asian countries. It's just doesn't seem 'right.'" Thereafter for at least 15 minutes, we had a long discussion about "Who really is qualified to practice Hip Hop?" and where did such feelings of awkwardness come from? Why is it okay for other East Asian countries to be like us and our friends in America, and not Vietnam? Although I was again defending Vietnam, in the back of my mind I did feel somewhat the same way too.

As a child going to Vietnamese Sunday school close by my home, there was little to no mention of the country of Vietnam. Up until high school, I thought for awhile that the yellow flag with three red stripes was in fact the flag used for the Vietnamese community here and homeland. When it did get mentioned, the war would automatically be brought up as though Vietnam was isolated in time. Through these years I developed self-definition accordingly in opposition to my parents. Home and the outside were to be separated. Vietnamese was spoken only at home and at Vietnamese school. If it were spoken anywhere else, it would be awkward. Even up until college, I felt weird having discussion in Vietnamese with friends. Usually my Vietnamese American friends would not feel comfortable or competent enough to do so as well.

I can see why my Vietnamese American friends still today have a similar mindset. "What are these Vietnamese people who similar to my parents, uncles, and aunts doing what I like to do..? They should stick to their Paris by Night and karaoke discs. All those things are not me because they are not me. I am modern, they are traditional. I am Vietnamese American.. not a F.O.B. (fresh off the boat)." I cannot put in words how much my mindset coinciding with my friends' mindsets have changed drastically-- my perception about Vietnam, about my family, about having an accent, about "coolness," about time, and most importantly, about myself in retrospect.

In Vietnam, I was able to transcend my traditional linguistic spaces. Spaces in which I spoke Vietnamese was not limited to only Sunday school or home anymore, it was everywhere. In Vietnam, I finally was able to think in Vietnamese. I was able to meet and relate to young people like me. I was able to grow a deeper love for Vietnamese food. When I go home I will appreciate more of my mother's cooking now that I am used to it. I wish I could let her know that I am sorry for preferring fast food over her cooking. Vietnamese food got way more soul than a $1 McChicken forreal.

Studying Vietnamese music history also helped me appreciate Vietnamese music a lot more. Now I know why karaoke and selected songs are deeply significant for the older generation of Vietnamese. In Vietnam, most importantly I've learned to be less selfish, to be more mindful of my family and friends. Not everything is about politics; it shouldn't be. I learned to think and act a little bit more with my heart. Of course, I still have a lot to learn about the traditions and norms here.

Lastly, even when I am finally back in the US to my regular, ordinary life, across the Pacific Ocean from where I am writing this, I believe the connection will forever be there. Each and everyone person that I've met in Vietnam has impacted my views not just in school terms, but in real-life terms. My understanding of "home" has transformed. I used to think a lot about my position here in Vietnam as an overseas Vietnamese "coming back." In the beginning, I felt like I did not belong here. You could say I had a "guilt," but I think I've gotten past it. As I learned in and out of the classroom, things are changing, and they are changing quickly.

Until next time. Son will be back soon.